I had an interesting phone call this afternoon. By “interesting”, I mean “horrible”...but I’m pretty sure that I deserved it. In fact, I know I did.
It was from Amanda. She read what I wrote on Friday night; it upset her and she let me know it. I erased the message and I'm not going to transcribe it here. Suffice it to say, it was angry.
Amanda...this will be the last time I address this subject, or address you, directly or indirectly in any way and on any media. If you contact me first would be the only only exception, but I don't expect you to contact me at all and that's okay. This doesn't preclude you from talking talking or writing about it. Feel free to link back to Friday's post or this one or whatever, if you want. I have removed you from view on all forms of social media we shared. My active and, as much as I can control, passive presence in your life is at an end. I will still be attending TFW in May, but I promise to study the the event map closely and avoid the "Sacrament" table. Any other chance encounters that weekend will be beyond my control and I will not blame you if you act like I'm a complete stranger.
This blog is my own form of therapy. It's where I write about what I'm feeling, what I'm thinking, and what's going on in my life. I don't edit myself here. I can't afford traditional therapy and, try as they might, most of my friends and family are either unable to understand what I'm trying to work through or have their own problems and (understandably) have no interest in lumping mine in with theirs.
I have tried not to shy away from my feelings here. When I'm down, I explore it. When I'm up, I explore that too. Sometimes it's course, sometimes it's painful, but it is always the emotional truth from my perspective.
I was hurt on Friday and I needed to figure out what was wrong wrong and why it happened. I'm still 90% certain there's something wrong with me. That being said, if you'd bothered at all to care as much about my past relationship experiences as you care about your own "baggage", you wouldn't have been surprised by how I reacted.
I don't apologize for what I wrote. It was the way I saw things then (and now) and writing about it did help me feel better about what happened.
However, I do apologize for upsetting you. I am deeply sorry for causing you pain. I don't expect you to forgive me, or even acknowledge that I apologized, but I am sorry.
I hope you have a great life from this point forward. I hope you meet someone great that makes everything wonderful for you in ways ways to which I wasn't able. I hope you reach the many goals you have in life and find peace. Good luck!
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I saw something on Facebook today and it gave me pause. I can't seem to find it again, but it was one of those inspirational photo quotes that people (myself included) like to post. It was only three words...
"Do, don't be."
It's a pretty Yoda-like concept and I'm sure there are many interpretations. I'd be interested to hear what your take would be...comment below.
I was stuck in a particularly grueling "render hell" shortly after I read it and I had time to contemplate what those three simple words meant to me and my life.
In its simplest form it came down to this: I am still allowing crap to happen to me instead molding my own fate. Too much planning, not enough achieving.
This is a problem. I've always been a planner...from the inconsequential to the far-reaching. I make lists, I keep a calendar, I schedule almost everything from from doing laundry to dates to what I'm going to eat in a given week. I conceptualize before I realize.
Call it my OCPD...call it my Type-A personality...call it whatever you want.
It's killing me. Killing me emotionally, killing me creatively...making my life less enjoyable because I'm not actually living it.
"Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans."
Beautiful Boy by John Lennon
Wise man, that John Lennon.
I'm not going to stop being organized. I'm not going to start wearing dirty clothes and quit brushing my teeth. I'm not going to stop being a responsible, contributing member of society. You don't have to worry about that.
What I am going to do is actually do something instead planning to do something. I don't know how quite yet, but I not going to plan my way into more misery. It's time to stop letting life pass me by while I'm mapping out a route to success.
It's time to do.