Hello.

This is my personal blog. This is where I explore the various pitfalls and triumphs in my life. It's a cheap form of therapy, I know...but I don't hold things back here. I don't expect you to agree with what I have to say, but everything I write here is the truth from my perspective...and I won't apologize for it. If what I say offends you, angers you, or effects you negatively in any way, my apologies. Feel free to not come back...I won't mind.

Friday, March 22, 2013

Trying to figure out what's wrong with me...


I'm no longer dating Amanda. I liked Amanda very much. She said she liked me very much. This, of course, could have been a lie. I seem to be attracted to liars, to my own detriment. Ultimately it happened because I was tired of being marginalized and said something about it. It happened because I thought what I had to offer had value and I was honest about it.

I had originally planned to work on my screenplay tonight. Thanks to some great input, some from Amanda, but also from some good (i.e. - honest) friends, I'm ready to move into the third draft. Instead, I need to write this. I need to say something. I'm so hurt and angry right now I don't know who to turn to, how to express it. I want to cry and yell and hit things. I want to stop feeling this red hot hate. I want to stop feeling...anything.

My ex-wife, Peighton, was (is) a liar. She told many lies over the years, especially in the last months of our marriage. The biggest lie she ever told, the one that doomed our relationship before it ever began, was the one she told herself so convincingly that she made herself believe it and therefore made me believe it too...that she was actually the woman I married. That she was actually the woman with whom I fell in love. It was an Oscar-worthy performance for sure. She created this demure, sensitive, understanding persona that was truly lovable. In truth, she is who she appears now...a party girl, completely self-involved, and unsympathetic to the needs and feelings of others.

Too many lies, too much betrayal, has happened for Peighton and I to even remain friends. Maybe we can be friends again someday, but for now, with all of pain and anger floating so close to the top of my heart, we just can't. I was starting to come to peace with that...then the last couple days happened.

Peighton still has a goodish haul of my possessions at her (her parents') place in Oklahoma. This wasn't supposed to happen, but she failed to keep her side of a promise (SHOCK! Another lie?!? No way.) late last year to have everything sorted so I could pick it up New Year's weekend. So when I got there, I just grabbed what was necessary for my new apartment and left. I had planned to go back the first weekend of this month and get the rest, but decided to postpone. It was Amanda's first weekend off from her internship since we started dating and we went to Fredericksburg. It was a semi-disaster (I'll come back to this briefly). Since then, I've tried to arrange another weekend with Peighton for me head to Oklahoma and she got back to me yesterday. I tried to be friendly, and accommodating, said I had some weekends I couldn't do it. She didn't bother to pay attention to this and suggested one of the weekends I couldn't do it. I suggested an alternate weekend, she went into default mode (i.e - bitchy and self-righteous) and said if I hadn't gotten my stuff by the end of April she would throw it all away. I remained reasonable, listed a whole string of weekends I could do it, no problem, and said pick one. She did, complete with indignation, and now I'll be going up there on April 13. That was the first thing that ruined the last two days.

Now, on to the second thing.

Amanda and I had made plans for her to come over to my place for dinner and a relaxing evening. That idea came crashing down thanks to saw mid-afternoon sandwich causing her massive stomach issues. She allegedly texted me around 4pm to let me know she was rain-checking...I say "allegedly" because I never received a text and because she and I had been talking almost exclusively via Facebook Messenger for weeks, only sending about a dozen actual text messages to each other in the last month.

I ended up having to work late, getting off at around 6pm. I sent her an IM, letting her know that I was finally getting off work and that I would appreciate her letting me know when she was heading out from Waco to Temple. She returned the IM after 7pm...repeating that she wasn't coming.

If it had just been that, her being sick and not coming, I would have have just been disappointed. It was the perfect end to a crapfest of a day. I was concerned that she didn't confirm that I got the message after I didn't reply, but I left it alone last night. I was in a bad mood, understandably, and wrote a couple things on Twitter/Facebook that, if seen out of context, could convey that I was angry at her (feel free to go read them). If she had bothered to ask, she might have known that I wasn't in fact angry at her but dealing with anger concerning my ex-wife...and the fact that I had to work late.

Then today happened.

I apologized to her for being a butt last night online, realizing what it probably looked like on her end. She didn't reply. I asked her to say something, but all she could say was to ask what I expected her to say. I then asked her why it took so long to check back in with me...three hours by my reckoning...and why she didn't use Facebook Messenger. She said,
"I wasn't even on Facebook, my phone had died and I had to put it on the charger when I was at my grandma's house. I texted you figuring you'd check it after you got off work at 5. I'm sorry that you didn't see it and that you felt like I blew you off or whatever. I wasn't feeling well and I passed out for most of the night. Either way, I'm sorry you had a bad day but the fact that you were upset and putting passive-aggressive stuff on Twitter and Facebook last night makes ME upset. This is exactly why I said I don't want to do this kind of thing... every time plans change or something, I look like this selfish bitch who just blows you off. I am serious when I say this--- you're a really great guy but I don't think we should see each other anymore in a romantic way. I am not good at the dating thing and I don't know how else to get it across, I keep saying it and you keep trying to convince me otherwise. I want to be able to stay home for a night if I don't feel well without feeling bad about it. I am not in a headspace or physical space right now where I'm a good girlfriend and I feel like I am trying to force myself into a role that doesn't fit me. I'm sorry. You're terrific and this isn't about you. This is just about me, and I realized it last night when I saw the stuff you were posting."
Yeah, I'm a great guy.

The problem with the above (besides the fact that it's a break-up via Facebook IM) is that the first sentence is a lie. She was on Facebook, all afternoon, until about 5:30pm...commenting on people's statuses and whatnot. The truth, as near as I can figure it, is that she didn't give a damn.


Like I said, I'm attracted to liars.

She's right, though...she did try to convince me that she wasn't "girlfriend" material. She demonstrated as much during our weekend in Fredericksburg and since. In Fredericksburg, what was supposed to be a romantic getaway, turned into a buddy-roadtrip because, as she said, she didn't realize it was supposed a romantic getaway. Then, when I said something about her falling asleep at the hotel without even saying goodnight, let alone doing anything else, the hammer fell. It all came out. She's not a good "girlfriend", she's not in any emotional condition for a relationship, she doesn't think she can be what I want. It  took a spectacularly cheesy romantic gesture on my part to turn it around.

I realize now that she was right, not because she's unable, but unwilling. Unwilling to think beyond "me" and think about "us". She's selfish and self-involved and never really cared about what I was feeling. Now there is no "us". In our entire time together, I was a marginalized. I was never the second thought, let alone the first. I may have been the fourth or fifth thought, if I was lucky. So now it's over and the only scars I have to show for it, besides the emotional ones, are a weekend pass to Texas Frightmare Weekend (in May) and a hotel reservation, both already paid for, neither of which are refundable. There's $155 dollars I'll never get back...unless I decide to go anyway. Fuck it, I'm going to go...I wasn't in the wrong.

Believe what you will, but I really do hope for the best for Peighton and Amanda....despite what I've written about them them and despite the tremendous amount of emotional pain they've both caused me. I wish them every happiness they can find in this world. I also doubt they'll actually find it, but then again what does that matter to me? They are both now relegated to the past.

The funny thing is, before Peighton and I REALLY fell apart, she said I was a "great guy" too. If I'm such a "great guy", then why the fuck do I keep getting in romantic situations with liars? Amanda and Peighton weren't the first...my first ex-wife, Jenifer, was a stone-cold liar as well. She said something similar once upon a time as well.

"Great guy"...my curse...my fucking cross to bear.

Which bring's me back to the original question and the reason why I'm writing this...what the hell is wrong with me?

Why can't I be attracted to...or attract...women who are honest? Why, despite every effort to be a decent, understanding man, do I keep picking women who are, at best, emotionally unable to do anything but marginalize me...and at worst, tell massively hurtful lies and betray me?

I'm genuinely curious to know what everyone thinks about this. I just can't understand why I keep going through this cycle. Like I said earlier, I'm tired of feeling this way...feeling at all.

Is what I have to offer a woman no longer of value to anyone but me? Do I need to reconsider being a concerned, passionate, honest, understanding man? Is it true that nice guys really do finish last?

I'm genuinely curious. Please feel free to be honest with me...because honesty is what this is all about, after all. What is wrong with me?

In the mean time, I've already talked to my mom tonight, drunk a whole bottle of white moscato, and I'm working on the last of my Christmas beer. I'm feeling no pain...until tomorrow morning, that is.

2 comments:

  1. Ok, I'm going to tell you a lesson I have had to learn for myself and it took reading "The Perks of Being a Wallflower" to put it into words. "We accept the love we think we deserve."

    There is nothing wrong with you. There is nothing wrong with most of us. We fall into these patterns, these routines and we get so set in our ways that we only attract the same sort of people. It's when we start having higher thoughts of ourselves and what we deserve/want do we break that cycle.

    Now, I have never been married, nor even close…so, take my advice as you wish; but, I think so many people feel the need to be WITH somebody that we often neglect the love we need to have for ourselves first and foremost. I have so many friends that are married or dating or engaged to people that are nowhere right for them, but stick with it because it’s the “right” progression of life. Birth. School. Career. Marriage. Babies. Eventual Death.

    I have been single for a very long time…but I have these standards that I am not willing to bend because I know it’s what I deserve. Sad thing is, that sounds really crazy, snooty and an unrealistic mindset to be in. I just know I’ve dated my fair share of losers and loved my fair share of men that never gave me an iota of reciprocation of my feelings; and just the same as you, Oscar worthy liars. But, I refuse to settle. I refuse to put up with that bullshit anymore. I am happy alone. Contented. I have friends and family that stick with me no matter what. And don’t get me wrong, there are nights when I come home and feel, “Man, it would be great to have someone to hang with, go get dinner with, snuggle with,” but ultimately, I’m just not willing to put forth the effort of a dozen pointless relationships with people unwilling or undeserving of my time/energy. There’s less drama, less heartache, less resentment.

    It doesn’t make any of the things which have happened to you better, but, it will subside.

    I’m not going to tell you the same old saying of, “When you stop looking you find it…” cause even that’s bullshit. (Haven’t been looking in over 5 years, haha) But I am going to tell you, focus on you & what you want and deserve. You are a great guy. You were in High School when you were friends with my sister. But, I do think the women that have taken slots in your life are obviously not the women you need. Embrace it. Be thankful for the experience. Learn from it and go from here. Girls always flock to the jerks because they think they can fix them or they will be the special one that can stifle that behavior, but truth is, they are just dating assholes and putting up with it for the sake of a relationship. Don’t be that guy.

    You’ll find someone truly deserving of what you have to give. My grandfather and Mother have always told me “Everything happens for a reason” and it has been true for me. That’s my mantra for life.

    Hope this helps a little. Keep your head up. And don’t ever question your worth because of liars. Truth is, they are more uncomfortable with themselves than with you.

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  2. I used to have the very same issue. I'm a great woman and though I may be lacking in the looks department, I have an amazing heart that is full of love to share. I kept attracting users, and abusers. Kept getting lied to, and cheated on, and getting my hopes up just to watch them crash down. I finally had to step back and look at everything more magnanimously. It's not that there is something wrong with me. There is something wrong with who I was attracting. Then it occurred to me why I was attracting the men I was. I was putting some very negative vibes out, and I didn't even realize it. It's not so much that I was down all the time, though there were more times than I care to admit to that I was. It was the fact that I looked at everything with an expectation to fail. And with that I was just inviting trouble into my life. So I stayed single for a really long time. Of course, that was hard, and was very lonely. It was starting to have a very negative effect on me until one day an amazing friend of mine told me something that I've never forgotten. She said,"What you put into the universe is what you get out of it. You put positive energy out, that's what you get back. The same works with negative energy. If that's all you give, then that's all you will receive." And of course, a light switch flipped on inside my brain and I've been pretty happy ever since. Sure, I still have my days, but they aren't day after day after day, with no end in sight. So I became that light that everyone is attracted to, and have only looked back to see how far I've come.

    So there's that bit. This next bit I think is also fitting.

    My son's father and I, though we're no longer together, used to talk about this at length. It was something that was so profound, yet so simple that neither one of us were sure why we didn't see it staring us in the face sooner. It's the fact that so many people are only what I like to refer to as a broken person. These people are not whole, they're missing a piece here and there, maybe more. They walk around in pain all the time, never knowing how broken they really are until they meet up with another broken person. They try so hard to make each other whole, but it ends up just being a lesson in futility. You can't make a broken person whole with another broken person, that's just like the blind leading the blind. You have to be whole, yourself, first before you can become part of something larger than yourself. And if you think about it, that really does make sense. You can't expect to have a successful and healthy relationship, one where you can lean on one another when times get rough and all that wonderful good stuff, if you're still having trouble standing on your own.

    I don't think your "great guy" statement is a curse. So don't think of it as such. Honestly? In a world full of dead beat dads, and single mothers, what you have to offer is quite refreshing as well as muchly appreciated. To be honest, if I wasn't in a relationship already, I'd consider dating you. However, our paths just never really successfully crossed in order for that to happen. And here's another startling truth. I'll bet you anything that I'm not the only girl that has ever noticed you.

    So in conclusion, I just want to urge you to take a deep look inside. To let go of all that is keeping you broken, i.e. your exes, and cast it all aside. I know it may be easier said than done, but keep your chin up. And lastly, keep smiling. Because you never know who's falling in love with it.

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