This is my personal blog. This is where I explore the various pitfalls and triumphs in my life. It's a cheap form of therapy, I know...but I don't hold things back here. I don't expect you to agree with what I have to say, but everything I write here is the truth from my perspective...and I won't apologize for it. If what I say offends you, angers you, or effects you negatively in any way, my apologies. Feel free to not come back...I won't mind.
Monday, March 4, 2013
Needing a win...
Hi. It's me again. Despite you and I battling each other for going on 33 years now, I need your help with something.
Up to this point, you and I have been on civil terms. I can't say that you've been particularly kind to me, but you haven't been particularly cruel to me either. I still have my health, a good job, some great friends who love me despite having hours of potential blackmail material on me, and a family that supports me despite the innumerable questionable decisions I've made over the years. When I count my blessings, which is pretty damn often, these are the things that are labelled in black in my life's ledger and I am grateful.
However, when it comes to love, you seem to delight in sending your red-headed stepson Murphy to darken my doorstep.
Granted, I've had what could, at least to a less cynical man, be labelled "moral victories" in the game of love. Despite the few good years of marriage between the two, both ended in divorce for reasons not wholly, but mostly, beyond my control. Every other woman I've dated up until now has either been someone looking to use me or not someone with whom I was able to form a connection.
After my first divorce, I promised myself that I would never be used again...at least not in an any way in which I was not fully aware and a willing participant. I've stayed true to this and will continue to do so.
Since my second divorce, which granted hasn't been that long ago, my love life has been less than satisfactory. Never mind the fact that previous to this last month my biggest success was with a woman with whom I only had 2 torrid dates and it ended suddenly when she had a crisis of conscience over the fact that she was with me and dating/sleeping with another guy. Never mind mind the fact that I'm now in my thirties, with a cart stacked with "baggage" trailing behind me, wrinkles forming at the corners of my eyes, and a wanderlust that gets worse with each passing day. Never mind the fact that I have a near-phobic fear of failure and rejection coupled with a lifetimes' worth emotional and psychological battle scars. In the end, none of that matters.
I need a win, Life...not a moral victory, not a participation trophy, but a true win.
I'm not asking for a trip to the Finals, a bowl appearance, or recognition as an elite champion...all I'm asking for is a plain old-fashioned win.
Here's the deal, Life...I don't presume to think that I deserve victory. Like everyone else, I'm not perfect. I have made and will continue to make my fair share of mistakes. I have been selfish, arrogant, and on occasion a real asshole. Yet I try every day to work hard, show selflessness, and contribute positively to this world. I don't always succeed, but I do try.
You see, Life, I met this girl about a month ago. She's great. She really is someone special and in a short time I've come to care for her a great deal. Unfortunately, you have tested her quite a bit over the years and she has convinced herself that she isn't worthy of having someone who cares about her like I would in her life. You know, it's kind of funny, Life, because my second ex-wife rejected me because she felt I wasn't worthy of her and this girl is rejecting me because she feels she's not worthy of me. Opposite issues...same result. It's pretty amazing, actually, how you get me coming and going like that. Touché, Life...touché.
Anyway, so all I'm asking for is a win. Help me out a little here. Help this girl to realize that she does deserve someone good in her life and help me to remain patient and open. Help her to see that she has a chance at some happiness here and help me to see a game plan by which I can win her heart.
I'm tried. I'm tired of being the benchwarmer struggling to find purpose, counting the seconds until coach puts me on the field in the last minutes of the last game of the season...and I'm tired of collecting participation trophies.
I need a win...that's all I ask. Thank you for your consideration.